desires, hard, meaning

028 – hard and meaningful are not correlated

ricvolpe
January 15, 2022
6,364 Comments

I wrote as many 1000 words introspective posts as many years I have lived.

Why do I have to try so hard to live well, to do things that are meaningful? Why does it feel so heavy, so difficult, as if I need the stamina and the determination of a soccer team that is trying to turn upside down a match they are losing 3-0.

One idea is that I take whatever I want to do next bloody seriously, and not everyone does this. I wonder why I take it so bloody seriously. Perhaps it is because I don’t accept and love my present conditions enough to not badly wanting something different, and from that there emerges a huge amount of pressure on the next decision, and the next and the next because any of them could potentially help me move on from this one condition that I don’t like.

But conditions that I don’t like keep coming back, no matter what choices I made. Sometimes some choices lead me to very nice conditions that I thoroughly enjoy, sometimes they don’t. Regardless, dislikable conditions somehow always resurface.

Or maybe I am not taking things seriously enough? Maybe I am not putting enough genuine effort and dedication into the choices I make to actually turn things upside down and be happy.

So I feel like that I take things seriously enough to bother myself, to worry about what may happen, but not seriously enough to actually turn them upside down and drive meaningful change. Of all parts of the spectrum of taking things seriously, this middle ground seem to me the least respectful to many of my parts.

It respects the part that wants to worry and the part that doesn’t want to make any effort, but it doesn’t really respect the part that wants to relax and the part that wants change, even though these two are perhaps irreconcilable at times.

Anyhow, it is confusing. So many things are confusing to me. Sometimes I think I am just not smart enough to figure most things out, the input come, I see them and then off they go, with me not having been able to answer much. I don’t really know how to assess whether this is true or not. Sometimes it shows up as an idea, and it seems true, but I could find much evidence in favour for it, so I am not confident about it.

This applies to many other things that I think. I can’t find that much evidence for them so I am not confident about them. I am not confident about many things, which some would say it is actually a sign of intelligence, but personally I find it more upsetting than useful. It leads me to be able to do much and regularly second guess and about what I am doing.

But then, is the writing and thinking of other people more interesting just because they are more confident about it? Or is it because they write better than me? Or is it because they are more dedicated? Or perhaps the writing of other people is not more interesting than this one, it is just a matter of what is triggering the interest of the reader and what imagination and reflections it elicits in them. This writing comes into being for me and me only, so whatever it elicits in other, is pretty random.

I am experiencing two opposing forces as I write these words. On one hand I want to write as fast a possible without regard for form, coherence and accessibility, because I want to by-pass the filters of my mind and access what is there, what is immediately coming out of my thinking, a bit like a stream of consciousness. On the other hand I want this writing to be accessible and understandable, especially by future me, I want it to reveal something, to give my some insight into myself.

Which, surprise surprise, it brings us back to the starting point of this post: why do I have to try so hard to do the right thing? What do I mean by this bold question? I have this ongoing feeling that if I want to doing anything right, I need to try hard. Which hides a profound assumption, that if I do anything casually and spontaneously, it will be wrong, badly, oddly shaped and ill formed. But why do I believe that? Do I have any evidence that it is true?

I feel scared of not believing it. I feel scared of believing that right things can emerge from me not making effort. I feel scared of letting myself be lazy and spontaneous. But the reason I feel scared is because I, in the first place, believe that to do something right, I need to try hard. Argh, what I complicated mass of mess!

I seems to be giving intrinsic value to things that are hard to do just because they are hard. Or I can describe that also from a different angle, sometimes if something that I want is too easy, it appears to me that it must then be less meaningful or less valuable.

This seems to be a related believe to the believe that I have to try hard to do the right thing, or an underpinning one or something that descends from it.

I don’t know. I feel confused. I feel lost. I don’t even know what this post is really talking about. I am inhabiting dark feelings and the music is not helping me being lighter, both in spiritual weight and in mental outlook.

I feel a need to distill or summarise what has been written here. And so I will do that

TL;DR

During some periods of time I have been busying myself with many low effort and little meaning occupations. Things that collapsed my awareness and kept myself busy for prolonged periods of time. These are things that come natural to me, without particular effort, like solving a computer problem or tidying up the house. Some may even call it what I cannot not do or the things towards I am oddly compulsive.

But on the long run, I haven’t been finding these things particularly meaningful or that they make me that much happy. Or rather, I should put it differently, I find that these things become wonderful time fillers that helps me procrastinating on other things, that are harder and I have difficulties to start doing spontaneously, such as figuring out what I want to do and achieve on different timescales.

When I have been encountering this reflection, I have usually tried refraining from those spontaneous, easy and meaningfulness things and I have tried staying with non doing for some time. Then, from the non-doing space emerges this feeling that doing the right thing is hard. And I think it emerges from the fact that once I am in non-doing I start putting a lot of pressure on the one thing that I am deciding to do. I start trying very hard on doing the right thing.

And here comes an interesting question: what if the reason why figuring out what I want to do is difficult for me is because I put a lot of pressure on picking the right thing to do?

That may be true, but why do I put a lot of pressure on picking the right thing to do? I think that is because of the word right. Because there is an underlying pattern where the reality does not correspond the my mental ideal and I want to close that gap. But I think that’s an illusion and just a modus operandi. The reality is just that much bigger than my mental ideal than trying to shape it at my will is a little crazy.

So perhaps the take away is here is that

  • some things come easy to me and other things are harder
  • how hard something is and how meaningful it is are not correlated
  • I crave to do things that are meaningful to me
  • things that come easy are powerful assets that can be channeled towards what’s meaningful
  • regardless, sometimes we just need to do some of the hard ones, but they aren’t the full story even if they like to be treated as protagonists
  • I personally (and perhaps culturally) have been having a tendency of giving meaning to shaping reality into my idea of it, which is something that is hard because reality is just that much bigger than our ideas of it and very hard (and sometimes not worthy) to control

One thing to note, an intention: I thing there is some precious content here and valuable observations and I would like to find a more proper way to share them with others, in the form of a blog post, or a short story, because the current form is raw as fuck.

6,364 thoughts on “028 – hard and meaningful are not correlated”

  11. Pingback: 2rendered

  35. zoritoler imol

    I’m impressed, I have to say. Actually not often do I encounter a blog that’s both educative and entertaining, and let me tell you, you might have hit the nail on the head. Your concept is outstanding; the problem is one thing that not sufficient persons are speaking intelligently about. I’m very comfortable that I stumbled throughout this in my search for one thing regarding this.

    Reply ↓
  46. best world news

    A person essentially lend a hand to make critically articles
    I would state. This is the very first time I frequented your website page
    and up to now? I surprised with the research you
    made to make this particular submit amazing.
    Magnificent activity!

    Reply ↓
  54. rtp xingaming

    hey there and thank you for your information – I have definitely picked up something new from right here. I did however expertise a few technical points using this site, as I experienced to reload the web site many times previous to I could get it to load properly. I had been wondering if your hosting is OK? Not that I’m complaining, but sluggish loading instances times will sometimes affect your placement in google and can damage your high-quality score if advertising and marketing with Adwords. Well I’m adding this RSS to my e-mail and could look out for much more of your respective fascinating content. Make sure you update this again very soon..

    Reply ↓
  56. demo tembak ikan spadegaming

    Thanx for the effort, keep up the good work Great work, I am going to start a small Blog Engine course work using your site I hope you enjoy blogging with the popular BlogEngine.net.Thethoughts you express are really awesome. Hope you will right some more posts.

    Reply ↓
  59. rtp slot cq9

    Howdy would you mind letting me know which hosting company you’re using? I’ve loaded your blog in 3 different browsers and I must say this blog loads a lot quicker then most. Can you recommend a good hosting provider at a honest price? Thank you, I appreciate it!

    Reply ↓
  64. Zithropak

    Both are considered broad spectrum antibiotics, which means they handle a broad collection of infections, but Azithromycin treats a longer cant than amoxicillin. Both azithromycin and amoxicillin can effectively go into pneumonia, respiratory infections, sensitivity infections, pneumonia, and crust infections.

    Reply ↓
  65. zpackmax-com

    zithromax side effects can adopt your heartbeat, so it’s best not to take it with other medicines that have the in any event side effect. Announce your doctor if you’re captivating medicines that can affect your heartbeat, including: any medicines seeking an irregular heartbeat (arrhythmia), such as amiodarone or sotalol.

    Reply ↓
  69. zoritoler imol

    You could definitely see your skills within the work you write. The world hopes for more passionate writers like you who are not afraid to mention how they believe. All the time go after your heart. “We are near waking when we dream we are dreaming.” by Friedrich von Hardenberg Novalis.

    Reply ↓
  82. surgawin slot

    obviously like your website but you need to check the spelling on several of your posts. Several of them are rife with spelling issues and I find it very bothersome to tell the truth nevertheless I will certainly come back again.

    Reply ↓
  96. Fastwin77

    I would like to thnkx for the efforts you’ve put in writing this site. I am hoping the same high-grade blog post from you in the upcoming as well. In fact your creative writing skills has inspired me to get my own blog now. Really the blogging is spreading its wings quickly. Your write up is a great example of it.

    Reply ↓
  99. Betwing88

    I am often to blogging and i really appreciate your content. The article has really peaks my interest. I am going to bookmark your site and keep checking for new information.

    Reply ↓
  100. synthroidtro.com

    hypothyroidism over the counter medication
    Patients taking Synthroid should also be aware of the potential for interactions with other medications, including antacids, calcium supplements, and some antibiotics. Patients should inform their doctor of all medications and supplements being taken, and should avoid starting any new medications or supplements without first consulting with the doctor.

    Reply ↓
  102. Sensaslot88

    My developer is trying to persuade me to move to .net from PHP. I have always disliked the idea because of the costs. But he’s tryiong none the less. I’ve been using WordPress on numerous websites for about a year and am anxious about switching to another platform. I have heard very good things about blogengine.net. Is there a way I can import all my wordpress posts into it? Any help would be greatly appreciated!

    Reply ↓
  107. cialfrance.com

    D’autres conditions sous-jacentes qui peuvent causer une dysfonction erectile comprennent le diabete, les maladies neurologiques, les maladies renales et les lesions de la moelle epiniere. Le traitement de ces conditions peut aider a ameliorer la fonction erectile. https://cialsfr.com cialis prix pharmacie

    Reply ↓
  109. prxviagra

    http://prxviagra.com/ Enfin, il est important de souligner que la dysfonction erectile n’est pas une condition honteuse ou embarrassante. C’est un probleme courant qui peut affecter les hommes de tous ages et tous horizons. Il est important de demander de l’aide si vous rencontrez des difficultes a obtenir ou a maintenir une erection, car le traitement est disponible et peut aider a ameliorer la qualite de vie.

    Reply ↓
  151. belviagra.com

    The effects of chronic medication use, such as antihypertensives and diuretics, on erectile function are a focus of ongoing research. Collaborative medication management and adjustment of dosages can help minimize medication-related sexual side effects.

    https://belviagra.com/ viagra pill image

    Reply ↓
  156. fildena

    Write 50 paragraphs independent of each other about the problems of erectile dysfunction in our time, ways to solve them and treat them. Use more understandable terms. Each paragraph should contain at least 400 characters.

    sildenafil 100mg cost http://fildena.hair/

    Reply ↓
  160. deposit via dana 5000

    I used to be more than happy to find this web-site.I wanted to thanks on your time for this excellent read!! I positively having fun with each little little bit of it and I’ve you bookmarked to take a look at new stuff you blog post.

    Reply ↓
  168. red boost

    It is the best time to make some plans for the long run and it is time to be happy.
    I have learn this post and if I may I want to counsel you some attention-grabbing issues
    or suggestions. Perhaps you could write subsequent articles referring
    to this article. I want to learn more things approximately it!

    Reply ↓
  174. Bambu4d

    naturally like your web site however you need to take a look at the spelling on several of your posts. A number of them are rife with spelling problems and I find it very bothersome to tell the truth on the other hand I will surely come again again.

    Reply ↓
  176. Bambu4d Demo

    I’m often to blogging and i really appreciate your content. The article has actually peaks my interest. I’m going to bookmark your web site and maintain checking for brand spanking new information.

    Reply ↓
  183. Bambu4d

    Try to slowly read the articles on this website, don’t just comment, I think the posts on this page are very helpful, because I understand the intent of the author of this article.

    Reply ↓
  250. illevitrain.com

    Researchers are exploring the effects of chronic medication use, such as antipsychotics and antiretrovirals, on erectile function. Collaborative medication management can help minimize medication-related sexual side effects and optimize treatment plans.. what is vardenafil http://illevitrain.com/ order cenforce 100mg online

    Reply ↓
  264. Bambu4d VIP

    I’m often to blogging and i really appreciate your content. The article has actually peaks my interest. I’m going to bookmark your web site and maintain checking for brand spanking new information.

    Reply ↓
  302. Token Creation Platform

    I have been browsing online greater than three hours nowadays, yet I by no means discovered any fascinating article like yours. It’s lovely worth enough for me. In my opinion, if all web owners and bloggers made good content as you did, the internet will be a lot more helpful than ever before. “It’s all right to have butterflies in your stomach. Just get them to fly in formation.” by Dr. Rob Gilbert.

    Reply ↓
  353. Займы онлайн

    Однажды мне срочно потребовалось 28 000 рублей на покупку авиабилетов. На форуме узнал о yelbox.ru. На сайте масса информации о том, как брать займы онлайн на карту и список надежных МФО. Некоторые из них даже предоставляют займы без процентов!

    Reply ↓
  362. Diaz

    I love your blog.. very nice colors & theme. Did you design this website yourself or
    did you hire someone to do it for you? Plz reply as I’m looking
    to design my own blog and would like to find out where u got this from.

    thank you

    Reply ↓
  365. Andrika

    My brother recommended I might like this blog. He was entirely right.
    This post truly made my day. You cann’t imagine just how much time I
    had spent for this information! Thanks!

    Reply ↓
  366. Adem

    Awesome things here. I’m very satisfied to see your post.
    Thanks a lot and I am taking a look ahead to contact
    you. Will you please drop me a e-mail?

    Reply ↓
  367. Hendrick

    Nice post. I used to be checking continuously this weblog and I’m impressed!
    Very helpful information specially the closing part 🙂
    I handle such info a lot. I was seeking this certain info for a long time.
    Thanks and best of luck.

    Reply ↓
  368. Abraham

    A fascinating discussion is definitely worth comment. I think that
    you ought to write more on this subject matter, it might not be a
    taboo matter but typically people don’t talk about such topics.
    To the next! All the best!!

    Reply ↓
  370. Thad

    Excellent post however , I was wanting to know if you
    could write a litte more on this topic? I’d be very grateful if you could elaborate a little bit more.
    Many thanks!

    Reply ↓
  371. Reuben

    you are truly a good webmaster. The web site loading velocity is amazing.

    It sort of feels that you are doing any distinctive trick.
    In addition, The contents are masterwork. you have done a fantastic task on this topic!

    Reply ↓
  372. Leoma

    whoah this blog is wonderful i like reading your posts. Keep up
    the good work! You realize, a lot of persons are searching round for this information, you can aid them greatly.

    Reply ↓
  378. Daniel

    You actually make it seem so easy with your presentation but I find this topic to be really something that I think I would never understand.
    It seems too complex and extremely broad for me.
    I am looking forward for your next post, I will try to get the hang of it!

    Reply ↓
  379. Nichol

    You’re so interesting! I do not think I have read through anything like this
    before. So wonderful to discover somebody with original thoughts on this subject.
    Really.. many thanks for starting this up.

    This web site is something that is needed on the internet, someone with a
    bit of originality!

    Reply ↓
  380. Veda

    Hi! I just would like to offer you a huge thumbs up for the excellent
    info you’ve got right here on this post. I will be returning to your website
    for more soon.

    Reply ↓
  381. Hermine

    I think this is among the most vital information for me.
    And i am glad reading your article. But want to remark
    on few general things, The website style
    is perfect, the articles is really excellent : D. Good job,
    cheers

    Reply ↓
  384. stromectol buy online

    https://replit.com/@rrbzqkznbqbulty stromectol 3 mg pills. Ivermectin’s Role in Veterinary Medicine and Zoonoses: Beyond its direct impact on animal health, Ivermectin also contributes to preventing zoonotic diseases—diseases that can be transmitted from animals to humans. Parasitic infestations in animals, when left untreated, can increase the risk of zoonotic infections. Therefore, Ivermectin’s use in veterinary medicine not only ensures the well-being of animals but also reduces the potential for disease transmission between animals and humans.

    Reply ↓
  392. играть в казино

    Друзья, хочу поделиться! Открыл для себя мир онлайн казино благодаря сайту caso-slots.com. Здесь я нашел все популярные казино и список тех, где предлагают бонусы на первый депозит. Азарт начинается прямо сейчас!

    Reply ↓
  419. https://sdfw2ef2.tistory.com

    Do you mind if I quote a few of your articles as long as I provide credit and sources
    back to your weblog? My website is in the exact same area of interest
    as yours and my visitors would certainly benefit from some
    of the information you present here. Please let me
    know if this alright with you. Thanks a lot!

    Reply ↓
  438. Joyo RL

    I’m not sure exactly why but this web site is loading incredibly slow
    for me. Is anyone else having this issue or is it a issue on my end?
    I’ll check back later and see if the problem still exists.

    Reply ↓
  459. Lexitoto

    naturally like your web site however you need to take a look at the spelling on several of your posts. A number of them are rife with spelling problems and I find it very bothersome to tell the truth on the other hand I will surely come again again.

    Reply ↓
  460. Lexitoto

    This is really interesting, You’re a very skilled blogger. I’ve joined your feed and look forward to seeking more of your magnificent post. Also, I’ve shared your site in my social networks!

    Reply ↓
  476. Quietum Plus

    Quietum Plus is a 100% natural supplement designed to address ear ringing and other hearing issues. This formula uses only the best in class and natural ingredients to achieve desired results.

    Reply ↓
  516. Lexitoto

    This is really interesting, You’re a very skilled blogger. I’ve joined your feed and look forward to seeking more of your magnificent post. Also, I’ve shared your site in my social networks!

    Reply ↓
  542. Bambu4d

    I’m often to blogging and i really appreciate your content. The article has actually peaks my interest. I’m going to bookmark your web site and maintain checking for brand spanking new information.

    Reply ↓