Tonight I intend to write down my observations of my reality during the past few weeks.
I start by asking myself a question: what has been recurrently present for me lately?
I have been playing around with pausing, taking steps back and noticing. Promoted by the course on Alexandre Technique by Michael Ashcroft that I have been following, every now and then I have been sitting on my couch in the living room, observing what was present to me, sometimes noting it down and sometimes choosing to go into a certain thread by taking some relevant action.
I have a sensation that doing this created space in my mind and in my time. As I savour that space, parts of me naturally wonder what to do with it. The internally increasing consensus seems to be directing me towards activities that increase the quality of my experience. By that I am referring to things that
- I easily do in a state of expanded awareness
- give me more energy that they take
- lead me to open and connect more to others
- feed my sense of understanding
- are slow
- increase the connectivity between one moment I am conscious of and the others
Activities that seems to be fitting that category are theatrical improvisation, yoga, swimming, meditating, reading, writing, walking (especially in nature), listening to music, talking open-endedly with others and sleeping. I have been knowing these for some time: they are my energisers. I feel like I may want to do more of them. Part of me fears that they are unproductive and one cannot live a sustainable life doing only these activities. I have seen a few times in the lives of others that doing more of what one likes unleashes energy which in turn produces various benefits. I feel that it increasing the amount of energising activities that I do may be possible. I would love to life a life that has more of these so it is probably worth trying.
Then, there is another interesting category of activities I want to reflect on. These are things like coding, tidying up the house, designing, organising projects, taking notes, planning, investing, clearing up misunderstandings and (surprisingly) playing video games. What these activities have in common is that they tend to have a clear objective, they are task-like. Generally, I enjoy doing these activities, they come natural to me and I sometimes have hard-to-control urges of diving into some of them. However, they tend to many of the qualities I listed above. They narrow down my attention, leave me tired and energy-depleted, are fast and push me towards ignoring others and thus isolating. I like these activities and there are many benefits to them, notably that the bring order, control and safety, but also some of the are ways of expressing creativity and flow, like coding. It could be enjoyable and useful to find more energising ways of entering flow and doing tasks.
Finally, one more thing I want to mention is that I struggle about not having some of these concepts in the communication contexts I share with others. This feels particularly true in my relationship with my partner. We spend a lot of time together and lacking primitive concepts around the quality of moments, the value of experiences makes it hard to stay connected and time-consuming to stay in sync. I suspect that some of these primitives are things she knows as well, but I struggle to connect and refer to when talking. This feels true in other relationships to, such as with colleagues, family members or old friends. It seems to me that as I continuously learn, discover and explore, it is hard to stay in sync with people whom we don’t share those learning contexts with. Furthermore, this seems to be particularly true when we explore different way of thinking and the meaningness of what we experience. It feels like a struggle to put those under shared imagination and revisit their meaning and it tends not to happen unless there is significant free time.
Oh, switching gears a little bit, there is also another thing I have been wanting to write about. Let me see if I can untangle it properly. To start, I feel an attraction towards having an audience, having many people follow me, pay attention to what I say and write and look upon my persona. I am curious about this want and I want to explore it a little more. Why is that I want this?
- Influence and attention, like money, are a powerful resource that we know we can spend in many ways. Wanting influence and attention is probably a natural expression of greed, like wanting food, safety and money. We probably instinctually recognise that it is useful.
- I have mixed feelings regarding its actually quality in terms of experience. From afar, I see several people struggling with some sides of it and some implications of it, an extreme one being stalking, that make one’s experience worse rather than better
- Also, seeking influence and attention is also a relatively easy way to outsource loving and valuing oneself. It seems easier when other do this work for us.
So, all things considered, I have mixed feelings about it, much like I have mixed feelings about money. I recognise its utility, and I am sometimes drawn to consider how to gain more of it, but I rarely feel convinced and internally aligned enough to take more proactive strategising and actions towards it. Perhaps a big part behind my inactivity on this front is the fact that I don’t really have anything tangible that I would want to do with more influence, attention and money. As I writing above, what I am really craving this period is for more energising activities and for more energy from the flow-like activities I already do. Sometimes I also feel envy towards people that have more money and attention, but upon reflection I end up respecting them when I recognise that some of them are gathering those resources for specific tangible outcomes that they are pursuing. So yeah, for the moment I am okay with having mixed feelings about these and letting the outcomes I want to realise being the drivers of the resources I want to gather.
Finally (actual finally), I am doing a little exercise of recapping what I have reflected and realised in the writing above by writing as fast a possible and bypassing by conscious filter. Let’s see, together, what really has sunk deeply into my mind.
Soooooooo, basically what I have been writing here is that taking step backs and noticing what happens in my life has created space, which is pretty awesome, because space is awesome and generative and the more the better. But what to do with that space? Well, gather resources like money and influence. Really? But why? What would I want to do with those? Well, I don’t know it. Something I do would like to do is to enjoy more and have more energies. Do more things that make me vibe and resonate with others. Things that leave more more energised that when I started. Things that flow naturally. I know some of these, discovered during my years here, but I can probably find more. Also, there are other things that I already do and like (and give me resources, ouch) that I could probably do in a more energising way. But that seems hard, isn’t it? And what if it was actually a circling back all the way into gathering resources? Greed, what a badly sounding word. But maybe greed isn’t all that bad. But what seems a little stupid is aimless greed. That’s it. The sentence I like the most from this all blurb is: let the outcomes you want be the drivers of how space is assigned. But be careful, make your wants a little specific, a little concrete, a little more immaginated, otherwise all sorts of sneaky abstract and a little greedy requests will snuggle under the carpet with them.