Today, I feel like I have been swallowed by life. If you imagine life being this big worm that crawls around, I feel like I was hanging out somewhere when the big worm arrived and swallowed me, everything that was around me or that I was doing.
Since I have been swallowed, I feel like I have been been tossed around the insides of this worm, not being able to really control where I was going, nor what I was doing. I felt no grips around me I could hold onto. I have been falling and rolling. I feel lost and drifting.
But I also ask myself, if life is this big worm, can you be alive without feeling swallowed by it? if we live in an environment that is indeed as complex as it looks to me, can anyone hang around it without feeling lost?
I feel that one way of overcoming this feeling of lostness would be to claim back control. To tightly grip onto the things I want to control and squeeze life out of them. But I am finding it very hard to do that. I feel like I have experienced troubled moments with control and I am struggling to go back to it with a healthier and more nurturing attitude.
Or maybe I have tasted the seductive pleasure of laziness and enjoyment and I cannot persuade myself to leave that, to exit my comfort zone and do something unsettling.
I am confused between the seemingly incoherent between these two things. One one side there is the desire of loving myself, of accepting who I am, whatever comes up, being spontaneous and gentle, observe without taking action, learning without forcing a direction, playing, being not-coercive. This whole load of things, approaches and mindsets that I have been hearing about and experimenting with. Most of my friends on Twitter seem to be subscribing to this philosophy, in different ways.
On the other side, there is the desire of getting things done, of creating, of controlling, of feeling like I am making progress towards a specific direction, of dedication and engagement. This is something that I see very much in Chenchen’s attitude towards her study, Luigi’s stubbornness and it is a desire that is in me somewhere and regularly re-emerges.
I say that these concepts are seemingly incoherent because I don’t believe they actually are. People like Malcolm, Visakanv, Michael Ashcroft and many others seem to be unaffected by these incoherence as they appear to be both playful, spontaneous but also dedicated, persistent and engaged.
But the incoherence seems to be present for me. I seem to be able unable to reconcile spontaneity, playfulness with dedication and and engagement. It seems to me that maybe I have been practicing playing only carelessly and casually. It may be the case that I have always relied on getting things done and spurring dedication out of duty and effort, fear and anxiety.
It may have happened that now that I washed away many of those of fears, moments of anxieties, feelings of duty and lack-based motivation, I have a hole inside. But since I have always played casually and carelessly, now that whole is getting filled by a way of playing that is careless and casual. I was not expecting it, but in some sense it is understandable.
I think it is interesting to recognise and feel aware of this. I don’t know the extent to which this is true and not an illusion of some words that are just bursting out of my mind and words, but it seems to be making some sense (also, anything is potentially illusory and ranking believes by degree of believability is a rather difficult and tedious matted).
What’s emerging is a desire of learning how to play with dedication and engagement. Being cautious and observing. Being free but not careless. Being spontaneous but not unkempt.
I have learnt about the shadow of playfulness, spontaneity and joy. It is carelessness, apathy, laziness and indifference. It is moving from one thing to another. It is being so light that nothing can anchor us. I feel like I have been having a full experience to that.
How can I ground myself gently? How can I bring myself back to engagement and dedication without being forceful? Can this intention of figuring it out actually help me do so?
It seems that I have the occasion, call into being by my own wishes, to apply intentionality once again. However, it seems that this time, my inner self is requiring me to apply intentionality in a way that’s different from the past. I have a small traumatic memento that is asking me to apply intentionality without fear and violence, that show in coercing, perfection, fear of committing and sharing and more.
I can try to start doing so here, inside this very own piece of reflection and blogpost. How? Well, I can slowly turn up the dial and the dedication and the engagement with this piece of writing by trying to summarise it and distil it in the next section, by creating a clearer and more succinct version of it. Let’s try.
For me, playfulness and spontaneity have their shadow too: lazy carelessness. I can lighten to the point that nothing grounds me anymore and I float from one thing to the other, entertained but detached.
I think this have been happening because I experientially and conceptually divided playfulness and seriousness with thick walls.
Seriousness equipped itself with an army of fear-based motivations and violent intentions that I directed to all life matters that required practical attention and guaranteed outcomes.
Deprived of any practical relevance, playfulness was left alone and neglected. Floating around aimlessly, it didn’t learn to care for nor take any particular shape.
Yearning to inhabit a more harmonious and less scarred internal garden, In then challenged and disarmed many of the seriousness warriors.
However, what was left after that was some scattered clouds of gentle playfulness that tried but couldn’t really come down to take care of the garden. The couldn’t stay with any plant long enough to transmit their nurturing energy, which have mostly been lost in transit.
At last, a beautiful moment that I am experiencing now is that some of the gentler and less violence-inclined warriors and the slower and heavier clouds have met. Infused from everywhere with an awareness of the shadows of one another, they are reciprocally showing their virtues in an attempt to create a new character that combines them.