Some days there is just too much happening, too many feelings and thoughts, that cannot feet in your head. And if it cannot fit in one head, there is not much of a chance that it can fit on a page or a blogpost. Or maybe not, maybe a page or a blogpost can actually fit more than a head because they don’t need to keep revisiting and add it at it, they have their meaning, and stick with it for a long time. So I am going to try, I am going to pour some of that experiencing, some of that meaning over here, and let the forces of time do what they shall with it.
Last Friday, December the 17th, Chen and I flew from Glasgow to Modena, to visit my family here. Five days have passed but it feels like an epoch. My whole body is in awe at the power of human connections and transformations. My whole mind is flooded with love and eyes and smiles and words and thoughts and hugs and joys.
Where can I start? What can I start from? What even is a start? I don’t think I can talk about the things I want to talk about linearly. There is no way around the only way of doing this, which is to let my brain carry on doing its thing and in the processes pouring here and there bits of meaning, across this blogpost, for you and me, dear reader to make sense of now and in the future.
Chen has been gently nudging me to take up a little more responsibility towards my brother, to witness the fact that he is deeply inspired by me and to gently support him in his own journey of growth and discovery. I took her upon that, because I love my brother, I have seen him since he was just born and I feel we are similar in the struggles we have been facing along the way. So I tried taking her up on that and being a little more aware, a little more engaged, a little more responsible, a little more courage. And oh wow what a blossom. I entered some precious moments and created some precious memories. I together with Chen and Jack and Chiara and Rob experienced some pretty blossoming moments of presence, reciprocity and emotions. We played games of uncovering one another. Me and my brother played games of discovering each other and the world together. And it is all together so beautiful. And I feel so grateful and in love with Chen for having gently pushed me in this direction. Her sturdy and caring energy is impressively adorable.
In parallel, I have also feeling a greater love and vibration towards the art of immersing myself in life, towards doing whatever I am doing with presence, engagement, dedication and design. Towards not-multitasking, towards living the moment to the fullest, with my body and my brain. And even if my brain doesn’t always shut up and talk about this and that, full immersion into things is so beautiful and uplifting and feels very much like the way I want to live. Full immersion into being alive. Living and breathing that life, a huge chunk of which, is for me made of connections and people. Of meanings and moments. Of being together, in the mighty absurdness.
What else to say? This process of caring for others, of being present to the connection and attentive to the details, to the little nuances that reveal fundamental properties, may have an overarching healing energy all together. In learning about others and connecting with them, I also unlocked, with a great degree of help form Chen, the discovery that there was much that I didn’t know about my father, that there was much that I was projecting onto him because of my own struggles to come into being and define my world against him, in spite of him. The realisation that a lot of the struggle I had with him was due to my projecting is liberating. Because I need not to struggle no more. I can accept my father for what he actually his. Get to know him with the curiosity of how I get to know anyone in the world. Being curious and caring about our experiences of engaging with others has an healing energy altogether. It is beautiful and humanly fulfilling.
I think this is the spirit of celebrations, this is the spirit of traditions. When holidays come together, despite the messiness and complexities of our lives. We come together as updated, evolved and energetic people. We shine together and in that shining we illuminate the world around us. Celebrations are special moments for a reason. And perhaps that reason I just the fact that we believe they are, but that’s enough.
There are incredibly powerful and beautiful energies inside of me when I turn to care about others. When I dare to take on the responsibility and I hold together the courage that I may actually be able to inspire others, to help them, to uplift them, to create beautiful and empowering connection for both of us, incredible things happen.
What stops me is the lack of courage of picking up that call. I am scared I am not be good enough for it. But I am. I have a playful, shiny, funny, loving, respectful, supportive, creative, analytical, progressive and joyful energy that wants to be unleashed onto the world and pour everywhere.
It is going to be flooding of love, creation and connection, next year. This energy that I cultivated so kindly this year, is going to unleash and fill the world. I can tell it has already started.
P.S. For some weird reason Chen often acts as my spirit animal and guiding muse. I take note of that. She and the internet. The internet, the little posts and nuggets of meaning, also are my spirit animal and guiding muse. And birds, that too.