031 – confusing itchy freedom

I have a feeling that something is not clicking and I don’t know what it is. It is a strange feeling. I don’t know if it is sincere or not. It seems to be hiding something, or perhaps it is me that is hiding something. Is the thing which is not clicking something I don’t want to accept? Or perhaps there isn’t any such thing? Feeling that something is but ignoring what it is, is very confusing.

Let me unbundle this. I do have a feeling that something is missing, that something is not clicking, from the way I am living, in the things I am doing. I feel this feeling and I wonder, is this a feeling I have always had? Has it ever not been there? What does it mean? Does it regularly come back just to keep me going and get onto doing something else?

But there is more to just the vague nature of this feeling. For a long time, I have been feeling uncommitted. I do things, have goals and execute on them, but I haven’t been feeling strongly committed to something in a long while, willing to undergo struggles and to endure practice, to push my boundaries and experience something fully, whatever that means. I don’t know if this is because of the way I am, my nature and personality, and I simply will never adopt that attitude or behave in that way.

The small gestures tell me that there is something missing. The way I carelessly multi-task, check this and that, tell me that there is something missing. Parts of my life, aren’t integrated. My work, a part which takes a substantial amount of my time, feels somewhat disconnected from my mind and narratives, and the ideas that make me thrive. Leaving my work is an option I keep coming back to. Postponing it, and going back to producing and creating stuff I feel disconnected from, frustrates me and reduces the self-trust and self-love that I feel. This seems to be a pretty big noodle of the question.

The reasons behind this postponing are part of what makes me suffer. Parts of me think that I am not ready to move on and follow my intuition because I haven’t proved myself capable enough. I haven’t proved myself capable of consistently working on a single thing for a prolonged amount of time. But perhaps that’s not true. I feel increasingly confident and trustworthy in myself. And that puts pressure on me. Because it makes me feeling increasingly willing to respond to the call of independence, creativity and self-directed contribution.

I keep getting distracted, tabbing around, procrastinating. I feel sleepy, un-urged, relaxed. I feel I’ve let go of so much. I feel there is so much I don’t care about, yet I feel there are gaps. I feel there are things that attempt me, but that may be only because I feel like they are impossible and I cannot do them. I feel like I am in an impasse. I don’t know how to unblock myself past it. I feel like this is an impasse I have been into for my whole life. I want something, but I am not sure I want it. I surely don’t want to spend a lot of effort towards something I am not sure I want. So I do a little bit of this and a little bit of that. Eventually, nothing makes me particularly happy, or prod, or fulfilled. No purpose pulls me forward particularly strongly.

It’s all a stagnant, slowly, moving. Nothing shocks me into taking stronger and more decisive action. There is no particular reason for me to react and be decisive. I can be passive and slow and lurking and nothing bad will happen to me. Nothing good will happen either. In the end, I will die regardless. In one, hypothetical and largely unexperienced way, I will live tired and worn out, but perhaps fulfilled and energised at times. In the other, I will live chilled and not worried, but also often bored and unchallenged. Swinging between the two, it’s even a meta-impasse regarding this whole situation. I feel stuck when there is nothing to be stuck about. I want to puke, yet I feel ridiculous about it. It is my psyche, swinging weird emotions and confusion. The greatest challenge of all, discussing meaningfully and constructively with one’s psyche. That’s why it feels like this impasse has always been there. Because it has. It is my mind and the way it works. It is my mind and its quirks, its limitations and patterns in which it gets stuck. And now it is stuck, and I don’t really know how to unstuck it.

How to unstuck it? How to discuss more constructively with it? What if it doesn’t want to get unstuck? Argh! Now that’s confusing, underpinning the whole point of this post to begin with. I feel sleepy and drowsy, things aren’t making sense, they are breaking down.

I am starting to think that sometimes I don’t do things that I want because perhaps I don’t want them. Sometimes perhaps what I want is just confused or wishful thinking or induced preferences coming from social contexts, situations and expectations. I am thinking that I may want to investigate more clearly what it is that I want, that I really want at the net of efforts and energies required, and accept that. Accept what I want and fuck it. I don’t have to be who I am not. If what I want is boring and not glamorous, not prestigious and not remarkable, than fuck it, I want what I want, and I want to accept myself for that, unconditionally. This is a good inspiring tweet about it

But also, realism is helpful. Earning an sufficient income as independent creator is still unlikely, statistically speaking. Succeeding requires talent, dedication and patience and perhaps most of all, being intrinsically motivated into doing what one is doing (writing, tweeting, etc) and not doing it instrumentally just to be successfully or to feel good about oneself.

It may make one feel lacking self-trust or self-love not to indulge in desires of self-grandiosity, but there is also wisdom in rejecting the call to independence. There is wisdom and self-protection in inspecting it, trying to dissect where desires really come from. Is this desire going to make me happier? Is it the desire of doing more of what I love? Or just the desire of feeling difference about myself, of thinking different about myself? Of playing games that I see around me and I feel frustrated for not being winning, because sometimes we do want to win games regardlessly.

One of the reasons I still have gaps in my self-love and self-trust is that I believe that I am more likely to be changing what I want rather than dedicatedly and patiently realise what I want for myself, without much questioning of it. And I do the same towards others as well. Laziness hides in negotiating, challenging and criticising. And it is funny, because from certain points of view, I am not lazy at all. I am not lazy to comply with rules and adhering to social norms. I am not lazy to banking in pleasures, being big or small. But I am lazy in making what I or others want happen, and I kind of dislike that.


I have a strong itch for self-directed creativity and freedom, and it is mounting up as self-trust and confidence in my ability to do it is growing. But I also have reality checks on what I can and cannot do, which are reasonable and I respect. There is wisdom in resisting the call, as Visakanv puts it. There are challenging feelings to navigate regarding this. They are confusing and fleeting and it is hard to recognise things for what they are every time.

231 thoughts on “031 – confusing itchy freedom

  1. Pingback: 1emphasize

  2. pg soft slot

    Hi there! This post couldn’t be written any better! Reading through this post reminds me of my previous room mate! He always kept talking about this. I will forward this article to him. Pretty sure he will have a good read. Thank you for sharing!

  3. MichaelLof

    To understand present dispatch, ape these tips:

    Look fitted credible sources: http://www.gloriacharms.com/images/pages/?tom-reynolds-the-anchor-of-abc-world-news-tonight.html. It’s important to ensure that the newscast source you are reading is reliable and unbiased. Some examples of good sources categorize BBC, Reuters, and The New York Times. Review multiple sources to get back at a well-rounded sentiment of a particular low-down event. This can improve you return a more over paint and keep bias. Be hep of the position the article is coming from, as flush with reputable telecast sources can contain bias. Fact-check the gen with another origin if a news article seems too staggering or unbelievable. Forever be sure you are reading a current article, as expos‚ can change-over quickly.

    By following these tips, you can become a more aware of dispatch reader and more wisely apprehend the everybody about you.

  4. JarvisDeawN

    Бурение скважин сверху водичку – этто эпидпроцесс образования отверстий на почве чтобы извлечения находящийся под землей вод. Эти скважины используются чтобы питьевой воды, сплав растений, промышленных нищенствования равным образом других целей. Эпидпроцесс бурения скважин включает в течение себя использование специализированного оборудования, такого яко бурильные установки, которые проходят на землю также основывают отверстия: https://telegra.ph/Skolko-nuzhno-prokachivat-novuyu-skvazhinu-09-04. Эти скважины элементарно владеют глубину от нескольких 10-ов ут пары сотен метров.
    После творения скважины, специалисты коротают стресс-тестирование, чтоб раскрыть ее эффективность а также штрих воды. Затем щель оборудуется насосом (а) также противными системами, чтобы создать условия хронический подступ к воде. Эмпайр скважин сверху водичку выказывается принципиальным делом, который дает обеспечение путь буква истинной водопитьевой воде и еще утилизируется на разных секторах экономики промышленности. Однако, этот эпидпроцесс может насчитать негативное суггестивность на окружающую сферу, поэтому необходимо соблюдать соответствующие философия да регуляции.

  5. Angelces

    Эмпайр скважин сверху водичку – этто эпидпроцесс творенья отверстий в течение поднебесной чтобы извлечения находящийся под землей вожак, коие могут прилагаться чтобы разных полнее, включая питьевую водичку, полив растений, промышленные необходимости и другие: https://etextpad.com/2vajjiw4ik. Для бурения скважин утилизируют специализированное оборудование, подобное как буровые конструкции, тот или другой проникают на землю и еще основывают отверстия глубиной от нескольких десятков ут пары сотен метров.
    После произведения скважины протягивается тестирование, чтобы разведать нее эффективность и качество воды. Затем скважина оборудуется насосом и еще остальными организациями, чтобы вооружить хронический доступ буква воде. Хотя эмпайр скважин сверху водичку представляет важную цена в течение обеспечивании прохода ко чистой водопитьевой восе (а) также утилизируется в течение разных секторах экономики индустрии, текущий эпидпроцесс может показывать отрицательное воздействие на находящуюся вокруг среду. Поэтому необходимо нарушать должные правила а также регуляции.

  6. DanielVipsy

    Europe is a continent with a in clover annals and mixed culture. Effervescence in Europe varies greatly depending on the provinces and область, but there are some commonalities that can be observed.
    Harmonious of the defining features of human being in Europe is the strong emphasis on work-life balance. Uncountable European countries be undergoing laws mandating a certain amount of vacation speedily in the interest of workers, and some suffer with reciprocate experimented with shorter workweeks. This allows in place of more just the same from time to time forth with family and pursuing hobbies and interests.
    Europe is also known in support of its rich cultural heritage, with numberless cities boasting centuries-old architecture, art, and literature. Museums, galleries, and documented sites are bountiful, and visitors can bury themselves in the narrative and culture of the continent.
    In increment to cultural attractions, Europe is retreat to a wide multiplicity of not incongruous beauty. From the complete fjords of Norway to the sunny beaches of the Mediterranean, there is no deficiency of superb landscapes to explore.
    Of ambit, subsistence in Europe is not without its challenges. Varied countries are grappling with issues such as takings inequality, immigration, and political instability. However, the people of Europe are resilient and have a fancy experience of overcoming adversity.
    Overall, life in Europe is flush and diversified, with something to offer since everyone. Whether you’re interested in retailing, culture, temperament, or only enjoying a good work-life balance, Europe is a first-rate place to request home.

  7. Davidemops

    Totally! Conclusion information portals in the UK can be crushing, but there are tons resources accessible to cure you mark the unmatched in unison because you. As I mentioned in advance, conducting an online search for https://kitjohnson.co.uk/pag/learn-how-to-outsmart-fake-news.html “UK news websites” or “British news portals” is a pronounced starting point. Not no more than desire this chuck b surrender you a encyclopaedic slate of communication websites, but it determination also afford you with a better savvy comprehension or of the in the air news landscape in the UK.
    Aeons ago you have a itemize of imminent news portals, it’s prominent to evaluate each anyone to choose which best suits your preferences. As an exempli gratia, BBC Advice is known in place of its intention reporting of intelligence stories, while The Keeper is known representing its in-depth analysis of bureaucratic and popular issues. The Disinterested is known championing its investigative journalism, while The Times is known by reason of its business and funds coverage. During entente these differences, you can decide the news portal that caters to your interests and provides you with the newsflash you hope for to read.
    Additionally, it’s usefulness all in all neighbourhood despatch portals with a view fixed regions within the UK. These portals provide coverage of events and scoop stories that are akin to the область, which can be especially accommodating if you’re looking to keep up with events in your neighbourhood pub community. In search event, local communiqu‚ portals in London include the Evening Paradigm and the Londonist, while Manchester Evening Talk and Liverpool Repercussion are in demand in the North West.
    Blanket, there are many news portals readily obtainable in the UK, and it’s high-level to do your research to see the joined that suits your needs. By means of evaluating the contrasting low-down portals based on their coverage, variety, and essay viewpoint, you can choose the a person that provides you with the most fitting and attractive news stories. Esteemed success rate with your search, and I ambition this data helps you find the practised dope portal inasmuch as you!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *