031 – confusing itchy freedom

I have a feeling that something is not clicking and I don’t know what it is. It is a strange feeling. I don’t know if it is sincere or not. It seems to be hiding something, or perhaps it is me that is hiding something. Is the thing which is not clicking something I don’t want to accept? Or perhaps there isn’t any such thing? Feeling that something is but ignoring what it is, is very confusing.

Let me unbundle this. I do have a feeling that something is missing, that something is not clicking, from the way I am living, in the things I am doing. I feel this feeling and I wonder, is this a feeling I have always had? Has it ever not been there? What does it mean? Does it regularly come back just to keep me going and get onto doing something else?

But there is more to just the vague nature of this feeling. For a long time, I have been feeling uncommitted. I do things, have goals and execute on them, but I haven’t been feeling strongly committed to something in a long while, willing to undergo struggles and to endure practice, to push my boundaries and experience something fully, whatever that means. I don’t know if this is because of the way I am, my nature and personality, and I simply will never adopt that attitude or behave in that way.

The small gestures tell me that there is something missing. The way I carelessly multi-task, check this and that, tell me that there is something missing. Parts of my life, aren’t integrated. My work, a part which takes a substantial amount of my time, feels somewhat disconnected from my mind and narratives, and the ideas that make me thrive. Leaving my work is an option I keep coming back to. Postponing it, and going back to producing and creating stuff I feel disconnected from, frustrates me and reduces the self-trust and self-love that I feel. This seems to be a pretty big noodle of the question.

The reasons behind this postponing are part of what makes me suffer. Parts of me think that I am not ready to move on and follow my intuition because I haven’t proved myself capable enough. I haven’t proved myself capable of consistently working on a single thing for a prolonged amount of time. But perhaps that’s not true. I feel increasingly confident and trustworthy in myself. And that puts pressure on me. Because it makes me feeling increasingly willing to respond to the call of independence, creativity and self-directed contribution.

I keep getting distracted, tabbing around, procrastinating. I feel sleepy, un-urged, relaxed. I feel I’ve let go of so much. I feel there is so much I don’t care about, yet I feel there are gaps. I feel there are things that attempt me, but that may be only because I feel like they are impossible and I cannot do them. I feel like I am in an impasse. I don’t know how to unblock myself past it. I feel like this is an impasse I have been into for my whole life. I want something, but I am not sure I want it. I surely don’t want to spend a lot of effort towards something I am not sure I want. So I do a little bit of this and a little bit of that. Eventually, nothing makes me particularly happy, or prod, or fulfilled. No purpose pulls me forward particularly strongly.

It’s all a stagnant, slowly, moving. Nothing shocks me into taking stronger and more decisive action. There is no particular reason for me to react and be decisive. I can be passive and slow and lurking and nothing bad will happen to me. Nothing good will happen either. In the end, I will die regardless. In one, hypothetical and largely unexperienced way, I will live tired and worn out, but perhaps fulfilled and energised at times. In the other, I will live chilled and not worried, but also often bored and unchallenged. Swinging between the two, it’s even a meta-impasse regarding this whole situation. I feel stuck when there is nothing to be stuck about. I want to puke, yet I feel ridiculous about it. It is my psyche, swinging weird emotions and confusion. The greatest challenge of all, discussing meaningfully and constructively with one’s psyche. That’s why it feels like this impasse has always been there. Because it has. It is my mind and the way it works. It is my mind and its quirks, its limitations and patterns in which it gets stuck. And now it is stuck, and I don’t really know how to unstuck it.

How to unstuck it? How to discuss more constructively with it? What if it doesn’t want to get unstuck? Argh! Now that’s confusing, underpinning the whole point of this post to begin with. I feel sleepy and drowsy, things aren’t making sense, they are breaking down.

I am starting to think that sometimes I don’t do things that I want because perhaps I don’t want them. Sometimes perhaps what I want is just confused or wishful thinking or induced preferences coming from social contexts, situations and expectations. I am thinking that I may want to investigate more clearly what it is that I want, that I really want at the net of efforts and energies required, and accept that. Accept what I want and fuck it. I don’t have to be who I am not. If what I want is boring and not glamorous, not prestigious and not remarkable, than fuck it, I want what I want, and I want to accept myself for that, unconditionally. This is a good inspiring tweet about it

But also, realism is helpful. Earning an sufficient income as independent creator is still unlikely, statistically speaking. Succeeding requires talent, dedication and patience and perhaps most of all, being intrinsically motivated into doing what one is doing (writing, tweeting, etc) and not doing it instrumentally just to be successfully or to feel good about oneself.

It may make one feel lacking self-trust or self-love not to indulge in desires of self-grandiosity, but there is also wisdom in rejecting the call to independence. There is wisdom and self-protection in inspecting it, trying to dissect where desires really come from. Is this desire going to make me happier? Is it the desire of doing more of what I love? Or just the desire of feeling difference about myself, of thinking different about myself? Of playing games that I see around me and I feel frustrated for not being winning, because sometimes we do want to win games regardlessly.

One of the reasons I still have gaps in my self-love and self-trust is that I believe that I am more likely to be changing what I want rather than dedicatedly and patiently realise what I want for myself, without much questioning of it. And I do the same towards others as well. Laziness hides in negotiating, challenging and criticising. And it is funny, because from certain points of view, I am not lazy at all. I am not lazy to comply with rules and adhering to social norms. I am not lazy to banking in pleasures, being big or small. But I am lazy in making what I or others want happen, and I kind of dislike that.

TL;DR

I have a strong itch for self-directed creativity and freedom, and it is mounting up as self-trust and confidence in my ability to do it is growing. But I also have reality checks on what I can and cannot do, which are reasonable and I respect. There is wisdom in resisting the call, as Visakanv puts it. There are challenging feelings to navigate regarding this. They are confusing and fleeting and it is hard to recognise things for what they are every time.

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