acceptance, desires, introspection, purpose

030 – surfacing deep desires

ricvolpe
January 31, 2022
38,486 Comments

Today, I want to reflect about desires. Yesterday, when I was landing in Tenerife from Glashow I noticed that I have been feeling like I want certain things but I don’t really know what they are. On top of that, I also feel that I want to understand better these desires and defined them more clearly.

As a side note, by reading past notes that I wrote, I have also been realising that I regularly reflect on similar topics and get to similar realisations. It is interesting to notice this. On one hand, I ask myself if I have not been progressing, if I am still reflecting on the same themes and struggling with similar endeavours, such as being present and aware of what I do. On the other hand, I do feel that I have been making progress and that I have learnt, for example, how to be more aware and naturally relaxed when doing things.

Anyway, back to my intention of having more clearly defined desires. It may be that I am not really able to act on this intention now, it may be that the main if not only factor that can clarify desires is times, and desires are clear when they want to be and we can see them as such, so perhaps I am wasting time writing this? Perhaps, or perhaps not. Perhaps time does clarify desires when we do take the time to elaborate on them. Either or, I don’t know. What I want to say is that I am not writing this post with the intention of reaching clarity about my desires no matter what. I feel pretty calm and open about whichever outcome writing this post may have. I am curious to notice what show up when I think more about my desires and this is a space I create for that noticing to happen.

Something I know is that these blurred desires have something to do with the followings

  • my relationship and interactions with my partner Chenchen
  • my sexual feelings and thoughts
  • the activities I engage in and how they make me feel, specifically with respect to
    • their purpose, or the impact they have on the lives of others (eg when a doctor cures someone and sees them getting better or when a teacher supports a pupil a sees them flourishing)
    • my dedication towards them and the engagement and pleasure I feel towards improving my skills and abilities within such activity
  • the place where I live, specifically with respect to its whether and ability to engage in marine related activities, such as swimming and scuba diving all year round

By looking at these things, I can tell that there’s lot to unpack there, not one easy peasy desires but perhaps a handful or complex and intertwined ones. But no despair, I am setting off on a metaphorical journey to understand and clarify them! I was blessed with some curiosity to understand what they are, where the come from and what they mean. Despite the extent to whether I can realise them or not, understanding them better can probably help me understand and treat myself better.

A more concrete desire, that seem to me pretty obvious from my last bullet point, is that I would like to live in a place that is sunny and warm most of the year around and where I can swim, scuba dive, hike and cycle rather often. I would like to that with others, too. Because sharing nature in company feels rather fantastic.

I did some more thinking about sexual feelings and thoughts. Something I realised is that I like the game of flirting as something to do upon my natural sexual attractions. I feel like the tension of flirting brings a nice spice into personal interaction and connections, and makes the a little bit more fun. However, I love Chenchen a lot and this tend to clash with the desire of having fun flirting. One on hand, flirting with Chenchen can be difficult because we know that the stakes are relatively low. Because of support and unconditional love, the outcome of flirting is more or less predictable. However, there is probably ways of flirting more among us, even though it is harder when either one of us is busy or stressed. On the other hand, flirting with others girls is tricky because it risks to give bad feelings to either Chenchen or to whatever girl. Anyway, it is interesting to notice that I have some energy that wants to have fun flirting and playing with other people. I don’t necessarily need to treat this as a problem that needs a solution. Let me just acknowledge it for the moment. Maybe I will find natural ways of making use of this energy later on.

Another desire that is emerging with a little bit more clarity, but still not that much, is the purpose of my activities and how they impact the lives of others. What I am feeling here is that I would like to put to service my skills, either existing or potential ones, and connect them with stories and feelings of other people. I would like to know what do my efforts enable. I would like to collect, in either my memory or journals, stories and episodes of peoples I have helped and how. These helps and services don’t need to be big and life-changing, but meaningful enough as to someone to speak about them. That’s the craving that I am feeling: greater connection and relatedness with my customers.

Cheeky note: I like how the title is a play on the fact that these days I have been doing scuba diving, and enjoying it a lot!

Lastly, the desires of mastery is so far the less clarified of all but I think it revolves around the idea of engaging in more advanced levels of certain skills that I practice (eg Python programming, web React development, meditation, swimming, hiking, diving, yoga, improv, salsa dancing, project management, writing, note-taking). The feeling that I have is that instead of accumulating new skills expanding my abilities horizontally, I would like to practice reaching advanced levels in 1-3 skills, by trying harder practices. Historically, I haven’t been very good at this, but I know that the desire of doing so have been regularly re-emerging from my subconscious.

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