The night is out there surrounding me which makes my thoughts all too fragile but also all too vivid, like flesh peaking out from the ripped skin. Who am I? Where do I come from? Where am I going?
I was just reading a terrific thread from Visakanv, in which he talks about himself pacing around the house at 6pm to figure our the right words to present an epiphany he just had. Let’s see if I can extract from his thread the most resounding sentences
- “entire multiverses within myself that no authority could take from me”
- “I love words, and so I inhale them, and they swirl around the vortex of my being, enriching and nourishing me, and then I exhale them.”
- “I couldn’t entirely articulate my motivation when I started. simplistically, I knew I loved words, and I wanted to become a better writer, and that *was* enough for me”
- “Writing is a way for me to figure myself out.”
- “I experiment with hundreds of thousands of phrases to find a handful of what we’ll call Words Of Power – phrases that have searing resonance with my entire being”
- “But the book itself is not nearly as important as the internal transformation I have gone through in order to bring it to life”
- the Words Of Power allow me to cleave my reality at the joints. They allow me to manipulate the Matrix of my psyche. They allow me to channel my emotions
- in words I would find the magic I needed to set myself free
- when it comes to words […] I birth worlds
For me, there is an astonishingly inspiring in this thread by Visakanv, in the same way as there was an astonishingly inspiring energy in the “100 vivid moments” thread by nvpkp where she narrated dream-like episodes from her life.
Where is this astonishingly inspiring energy coming from? I feel inside of me two currents, two rivers that transport water and energy from their experiences and words to my present moment and mind.
The first is a will to live the same. A will to dip into the same abandonment to creation and energy. But abandonment is both an interesting and complex word to be using here, because I haven’t yet figured out if this energy of creations comes from disciplined effort or from liberated spontaneity. It may come from both, which is confusing to say the least. I feel like I have tried both – the discipline and the spontaneity – but neither has really taken me into that world of powerful creative energy, so what could take me there? I don’t really know, but I crave that place, I crave that dimension, and I don’t really know how to attain it, nor whether my steps towards it are correct. I miss a map. But maybe I don’t. Could it be that that map is a map of trust? Could it be that that map is a map of sincerity and dedication to own’s desires and vocations? Could it be that that map is a map of humility? I don’t really know, it is hard to say?
Why is it hard to say? What can I say? What do I know about it? I want to dig more. I want to find out. There is this moving curiosity, this desire to experience, coupled with a will to investigate and a will to create. But none is spontaneous by design. And what to I mean by that, is that Visakanv energy towards words and nvpkv moments aren’t design or engineered. Visa says it, he couldn’t really articulate his original motivation. It was simplistic in its own nature. He wanted to be a better writer. He wanted to play with words.
So, unleashing that energy, transforming into that creative beam, may require unlearning rather than designing, and here is a why it is a map of trust. The will to figure out is how to beam, is a will that wants to fill a gap. Is a will that wants to fix oneself in the light of something. Is a will that feel that something is missing and wants to fulfil that desire. But the only way to fill that desire, is to unlearn it, to deeply feel that there is nothing crucial that is missing or to be filled.
Why is that the case? Because that creative energy is unleashed only when we have the freedom to follow the innate spirit without having to direct it, without having to design it and, perhaps most importantly, without having to justify it. Yes, because when we have to justify and rationalise, we cannot be simplistic, we cannot be moved, we cannot be poets and transformers.
It is with that full trust, that we can embrace the guidance of ourself. We need to fully trust ourselves to let us unconditionally guide us towards the forest of adulthood, through the creation and the feelings.
Alan Watts talks about the paradox of wanting to improving oneself. The absurdity of this emerges from the fact that the one that needs to do the improving is the same as the one that needs improving, oneself. Hence, we come full circle about trust. If we want to unleash our creative energy, we need to embrace the guidance of the guide. We cannot think that the guide needs to be improved first, otherwise we start an infinite cycle during which we will never be ready to fully guide.
The trust to guide, we shall place in ourselves. And that is the liberated spontaneity to unconditionally guide us. What comes after is the utility of the disciplined effort. The hardworking mule that execute and takes us all along the direction that the guide sets. It may feel unreasonable and paradoxical, but is the only way forward. Full commitment and trust towards the guide, full executive firepower behind us. The point of the guide isn’t to be perfect as that expectation isn’t place either on the executor. The point of them all is to receive full trust and empowerment to keep going, and we will all learn in the process.
Which brings me to the second reason that makes Visa and nvpkv’s posts energising and inspiring to me…
… when I give full trust to my own guidance, I realise that I feel that there is still so much more that I want and need to learn and process, there is still so much more nuance, context and perspectives that I want and need to get through experiences, encounters, books, music, moves and games. There is much more that I need to go through. There is still more more to experience and figure out, introspection to have had, confidence to be build. And I don’t actually want to spend that much time on things that aren’t relevant towards this, money for once. Explore and experience, are the keywords of this. Pretty much like what levelsio was talking about as the first required ingredient of starting a successful product or service: experiencing unique things.
And I want this experience to be examined, organised and accessible. This is where this effort of 100 posts and Twitter journally comes in. And this is where may other effort could come in too. The development of small social games, may also be a tool for organising and making sense of this experience. Experience and make sense of it. Organise it, mull it, sense-make it. Take notes, take actions required to understand a certain thoughts or note. When feeling that something is missing, try to develop it.
The map is forming. There is unconditional trust, there is liberated experiencing, there is cautious sensemaking, there is disciplined observation and note-taking, there is effortful enacting of curios hypothesis. The map is taking shape and it is an exciting one. The map can guide us into the territory, together with a post it that says that what we find is more important than what we seek.