020 – being different as a consequences of widely sampling the probability space of experience

And if there were many things to think about then there would have been many things to think about all along the way. And if the words flow much more easily then the last time, as if words have always been there but there were somehow covered by something, like a filter or maybe more like a rock. What goes a little slower are the hand that actually make quite a lot of mistakes, and the sound of the typing is as beautiful as always, as beautiful as the sound of the piano, maybe because in their beauty they serve the same purpose, that is to let out the emotions, to reveal the secrets, to unlock the chests and in their own magical way, take the game to the next level.

The obvious question that always opens all the chests, is how am I? How am I, asking myself while I listen to “How soon is now?” from the Smiths which I apparently listened to a million of times when watching this TV-series called Charmed with my sister and my mum. Nodding with the head, I know that I feel good. I feel good despite having so much in my brain, so much of a fantasy world I just realised that I always have been living in for a big part of my time. Another good quote from the book that I am reading applies here. The quote says “the fact is that instead of living the, the experiences, I was imagining them and living them in my head”

Yesterday we went to this house party of a friend of a friend, and it was quite a lot of fun. Despite everyone drank alcohol, I stayed sober and I think it was a wonderful choice. Because of that, I was much more present to what was going on around me, sensitive to the emotions and nuances of the people in front of me but not particularly worried about them. On thing that I notice though, is that we never stop flirting. Even after we start long-term relationships and get married, we never stop flirting. I think it is intrinsic in human nature and largely subconscious, but we never stop flirting. Some engage in it, some engage in it less, but it is sort of like a game that we keep play and have fun with it. The main thing that keeps us together and in love with our partner are our choices and not the fact that how we feel and experience the world radically chances.

Which makes me think of something, makes me think about the fact that the way I experience the world and the things I feel haven’t really changed that much over the years. As in, I am more or less a similar guy, with similar tendencies and similar struggles. Somehow, I have been assuming that this would have changed at some point, that things would have resolved, but no not really, things don’t really change that much at that level. What may have changed may be my response and what I try to do with what I feel, which is the interesting part. However, those different responses emerged in parallel with accepting that things at the underlying personality and perception level don’t change. In turn, the change in response weirdly changes the personality and the perceptions too. Which reminds me of that quote from Alan Watts that says that “what is preventing us from changing ourselves is the very fact that we want to” (my paraphrase). Another nice quote that I like that sort of relates to this, is the quote I just read in the “Le Tre Del Mattino” book by Gianrico Carofiglio, who wrote “Una schizofrenia che in realtà è di tutti gli adolescenti. Agire per essere uguale e sognare di essere diversi” which basically means that we dream to be different but act to be the same.

Actually, yesterday me and Federico talked about something related that is becoming more and more present for me, that is actually acting to be different. No on purpose, bear with me, but acting to be different as a consequence of widely sampling the probability space of things that one can do and engage with, try many things, experiment, play and have fun. Find what works for you. Being different as a consequence of expressing and searching and experimenting for oneself. Executing the jailbreak, accepting sovereignty, like Visakanv says. Accepting that sometimes refusing the call makes sense during those days that we wake up in fear.

What else to say about my feelings and my sovereignty? Reality is always hanging out by the door and whispering things in our ear, even if and even more more when we widely sample the probability space. What if I catch covid, my brain asked me multiple times during many events these days. I am reasonably concerned for me and for the people I may meet in the near feature. And that concern is valid and appropriate. As it is valid and appropriate to make choices (and mistakes) and accept that these may lead to you to path different than planned. That’s a bit part of the trick required to experience widely, accept that experiences may go very different than what you were experiencing and planning, but keep nudging, keep fiddling with it, keep directing towards a way that you are interested in exploring and experimenting with.

Now my hands are tired and I can’t write much more. Many of the words have alway beens there. Many are new. There is the play between and reality, between me and my friends. And for today I leave it here, just wanting to tell you, my experiencing friend, that I really love you.

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