021 – I love mellow energies

Streams of consciousness are everywhere, they surround us from all possible directions and angles.

It is quite incredible that Stephanie journals for over 6 hours. It makes sense when she does it after eating edibles and on planes, that sounds like a perfect setting. Well, now I am on a train that lasts 4 hours, so I can shoot for something more or less similar, even if I didn’t ate edibles which may set me back a little bit, but I have music which induces a different kind of flow.

I have to say, Stephanie’s energy is pretty amazing. She is so light and cheerful and gives life a twist of easiness and spontaneity., It reminds of something I read once by Michael Ashcroft. He was talking about how at certain point of his life, after a strong burn out, he started doing only things that would come fun and spontaneous to him. To his (and my) surprise, this let him to actually achieve a lot, but that wasn’t the point anymore, because the point of the things he was doing the was actually to enjoy and have fun, everything else was on top of that. This unleashed his energies, pretty much like Stephanie’s ones are unleashed and free. I think that to some extent I am in their class too. These 10 days in London were pretty fun and they didn’t really feel like an effort in any substantial way. I didn’t struggle that much bonding with colleagues, I didn’t struggle that much hanging out with friends or picking what to do, things just emerged one after the other, and it was pretty amazing indeed. I learnt a lot about a lot of people. I learn a lot about myself answering questions I have asking others. I was knowing myself while I was knowing and connecting with others and it was pretty amazing and enriching.

What did I learn about myself? I learn that I like to hang out with mellow and tender people, which I already knew underneath my skin but I didn’t fully know explicitly in my brain. Christian commented that there aren’t that many people like that (mellow) and I don’t know whether he is right or not. I can see a lot of interesting traits and reasons to bond with many people, but it may be true that the very mellow and delicate ones are rare. The ones that flow my flow and vibe the way I vibe. Some encounters this week were like that though, some mellow people I met along the way. The first one that comes to mind is definitely the night at the Fold, where we went dancing and took ecstasy. Boy, that was fun. And also, there were some mellow people on the dance floor with whom I intersected mellow vibes and exchanged energies, some of which were pretty sexual. That was quite fun and energising, even if I always feel on the line when I am playing around with mellowness, I regularly have thoughts in the back of my mind that warn me of all the possible things that could go wrong on either side of that line, by doing too much or too little. I had to “Silenzio Bruno!” Many of these thoughts to get into the flow and enjoyed, but, together with the drug, it worked and I had a pretty amazing time.

Two other people that are quite mellow are Ciachi and Sophie, which may be why I like very much hanging out with them and I like for them to stay together even if it is none of my business. I feel they are quite mellow, and even more mellow when they are together. When they are not together they are actually not that mellow. Well, when it is just me and him Ciachi is quite mellow. Think for example to our Gong Bath and our small trip to Camden, he was quite gentle and fluctuant. He is less mellow when is together with other men, with other boys. Sophie is pretty mellow all around, although when it is just me and her it feels like there is some embarrassment, as if neither of us feel free to be sweet because we don’t have a proper space or label or protocol for our interaction. But they are pretty sweet and it is pretty nice to hang around them.

Who else? Stephanie had a peculiar energy. I don’t think she herself is mellow, though she is quite sweet towards others, especially others that she likes, which is most people. She mentioned that she likes furious dancing, so I can imaging that she can be pretty intense at times, but I had a feel that she is very good at adapting and modulating around the energies of the people that she is around. Many times, I was drawn to compare Chen and Steph but I don’t really doing that nor I think is a fair comparison. I know so much more about Chen than I know about Steph. I don’t know any of the shadow and struggles of Steph. But perhaps then reason why I was drawn to compare them is that they share some core similarities, around being interested, fascinated and modulating around people. And remembering things that they associate to emotions and others.

Something that is not always so mellow for me are sexual energies, which overall are quite present for me. Girls bring a wonderfully wonderful chemical spin to any situation and I love to have them around even if I or them have not intention whatsoever at unleashing sexual energies, but the vibe of the feminine, especially in person, is just so nice. But let’s go back to my lack of mellowness for sexual energies. Earlier in the week I realised something that feels meaningful. During my youth, I had a lot of sexual energies that were repressed, chained and ridiculed. I had a lot of sexual energies towards other girls that for a variety of reasons didn’t find a way to express themselves healthily and harmoniously. I felt my sexual energies were inappropriate and unwelcome by most if not by all. What was the case? What happened? I don’t really know but perhaps is the heritage of a way of interacting with others, inherited and taught to me by my parents, that relied on focusing very much on oneself, on transactionalism and arrogance. Or perhaps it is because I have autistic tendencies and I don’t really get much about others nor I am able to make them comfortable. Yes, making others comfortable is pretty much at the centre of this riddle. When I was in my youth, I had a lot of sexual energies but I didn’t know how to make people around me conformable. I wasn’t comfortable myself and I had no clue how to make either myself or the ones around me comfortable.

I was confused by a society that is itself confused by sexuality, so that wasn’t pretty rare. Combined with my personality traits, this lead to a little mix that make all vibes around my sexual energies pretty awkward and uncomfortable for both me and others. Eventually, this led to pretty not nice interactions, the  development of not nice memories and the conviction that other people didn’t welcome nor like my sexual energies and vibe. But that’s not true, that’s not true and it’s not true.

Anyway, what ended up happening, I think is that I would live most if not all situations of sexual energies and occasions during which I would feel anxious that they would confirm the belief that my sexual energies and unwelcome and uncomfortable and that, in some connected way, I needed to demonstrate the contrary. This makes all such situations pretty heavy, uncomfortable and not fun for me. I think I am past that and that I can enjoy sexuality widely, as a tension that underpins society at large, without thinking too much about and instead with the desire to have a good time, have fun and enjoy the vibes of others passing through me and sending out vibes back to the world. This involved going down deep into the the maze of the minotaur was hiding. He that was hiding there erected was the adolescent me that felt unwelcome and rejected by the world. I give him my love and mentioned him that it was not the case, that some people end up rejecting you for unpredictable and tangled situations, but that doesn’t mean that you yourself are worthy or rejection and that your energies are pretty normal and equipped with the magic spark that is contained in all human energies, especially sexual ones. We are all invite to the dance of humanity that takes place every day all across this planet, it is a magical dance that is filled with love and creativity and we will love when we take part with our full selves, even if it is not always easy to understand how to to so. The minotaur came our from the maze and up the dark stair with me and we went running naked through the fields. It was pretty amazing and we both loved it a lot, even if we both lots ourselves in the process and found a lot.

13,768 thoughts on “021 – I love mellow energies

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