011 – Rocky is waiting

Jonh: Hi there, how are you?

Rocky: Hi Jonh! I am, mmm, hard to say how I am.

Jonh: What makes it hard?

Rocky: I am feeling some conflicting feelings that I haven’t been able to disentangle.

Jonh: Do you want to try together?

Rocky: Mmm. Let’s try.

Jonh: [waits silently]

Rocky: I feel a sense of uneasiness. Let me try to visualize this. I am sitting in a waiting room. I am waiting but I don’t know what I am waiting for. The is a round clock on the wall that is ticking. Each tick sparks an anxious sensation. I am anxious because I don’t know if I am doing what I need to do in order to end my wait and get what I am waiting for.

Some of the time I believe that I have no influence over my wait and that what I do does not matter. So I do whatever I feel like. I indulge in urges and seek immediate gratification. I do whatever is on my mind. I try to make my wait more enjoyable. I seek a nice sear and a more comfortable position.

Other times I think that there must be something I can do to shorten my wait. I speculate possibilities. I make strategies and plans. I set goals. I sit impassible for a full hour and see if anything happens. I stop everyone that is passing and ask if they need help. Nothing seems to affect my wait.

What confuses me the most is that I do not know what I am waiting for. What I am waiting for? Why am I waiting if I do not even know what is it for? Why don’t I stop waiting?

Jonh: I have a different question: why are you in this room?

Rocky: I guess I just found myself here.

Jonh: So there is no specific reason for you to be here. If you wanted, you could leave, right?

Rocky: Right, but I don’t. I don’t leave because I don’t know where else to go.

Jonh: So there is no other specific place you want to go. You found yourself in this room, and the only thing you want to do is to stop waiting. Right?

Rocky: Right, there may be places I want to go to if I open up to the idea. However, I mostly want to stop waiting.

Jonh: Why don’t you just stop waiting?

Rocky: Because if I stopped waiting, it would all become real. I would be here, in a place I found myself in, not knowing what to do.

Jonh: And what do you dislike about that?

Rocky: I dislike not knowing what to do because I feel like I am supposed to know. If I don’t know what I shall do then I cannot plan for it and execute against my plan. If I don’t know what I need to do, then I will not realize anything specific. If I do not realize anything specific, then I will just experience whatever random thing will happen to me.

Jonh: And what do you dislike about that?

Rocky: I like to realize things. I like to feel that I am in control. I like to envision A and execute A. I don’t even care what A is, I just like to make it happen. Bring A to life. Be godlike in giving birth to A. I am afraid of losing that. I am afraid of losing control.

Jonh: Let’s do a little recap here. You are afraid of losing control. This makes you afraid of not knowing what to do because if you don’t know what to do if you don’t have a clear goal, you cannot control things towards it. Right?

Rocky: Right

Jonh: And this fear of not knowing what to do …

Rocky: [interrupting Jonh] that’s what I am waiting for! I am waiting to find out what to do. I am waiting for guidance.

Jonh: And who are you waiting for guidance from?

Rocky: That’s the key bit. I don’t know. On the one hand, I am waiting for guidance from myself.

Jonh: Why?

Rocky: Because I want to give myself guidance. I know that will make me happy.

Jonh: And on the other hand?

Rocky: On the other hand I am waiting for guidance from life. I am waiting for the right opportunities. I am waiting for the momentum. I am waiting for the wind to sail. And that’s what I am scared will not come.

Jonh: Like you are trying to play a riff with life but getting lost because She is unpredictable and surprising?

Rocky: Mmm, maybe.

Jonh: What could help you?

Rocky: Do my bit?

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