005 – My World And This World

Late at night, My World knocked at the door of This World who opened the door in his nightgown, showing his annoyance by yawning loudly.

This World: What’s up?

My World trembled a little. He knew that it was hopeless to try to convey everything that was going on in words. Yet, it was equally hopeless not to try.

My World: It is just that, you know, things can be so difficult at times. Everything moves at the same time. There are so many moving parts that I can hardly keep track of them

TW: That we all know, but why do you need to keep track of all of them? Why not just living and letting go of tracking?

MW: Good question. I don’t really know why. I guess it’s because I may want to dominate things, perhaps dominate you.

TW: Fascinating, and why do you want to dominate things?

MW: Why do I need a reason for wanting something? I feel I exist as bubbles while you exist as still water. It is my job to bubble up and emerge through you. Perhaps that’s what I mean by dominating. I want to exist in you, through you.

TW: But you already do. You are here by my door late at night, talking to me about bubbling up. I feel like wanting something implies the desire to fulfil a gap, but you already exist here, so what’s missing?

MW: Yes, I am here and I exist but do I exist in you? Do I have a place in you? Will you let me in your house tonight? Or will you keep me by the door until we are both tired and need to sleep? Will you be curious about it or will you just bear my existence?

TW: So by dominating me you mean that want to feel welcomed and accepted by me? That you want me to be curious about you?

MW: Yes.

TW: And?

MW: And perhaps I want you to love me

TW: Okay. What does it mean to love you?

MW: I don’t know. You are asking me so many questions. Can I ask some now?

TW: Sure, go ahead.

MW: What do you think I mean by “loving me”?

TW: I think is hard to define, for you, for me, for everyone. I think a large part of it is that you want to feel welcomed and accepted by me, but that’s not everything. There’s another part, a more mysterious part that I cannot quite put my finger on it.

MW: Do you want me to love you?

TW: Not really.

MW: Why?

TW: Two reasons. On one hand, I don’t really trust your love. I feel like you want to dominate me, so I don’t feel safe in being loved by you.

MW: And on the other hand?

TW: On the other hand … I don’t feel like telling you the second reason.

MW: Oh, crap. That doesn’t feel very workable. Does it?

TW: You are right, it does not. What can we do?

MW: I can try taking a step back. Do you want to go back to ask me some questions?

TW: Sure. Why are you so obsessed with what you want?

MW: I feel like what I want is the only thing I know how to act upon. I feel I am like a car and what I want is my engine and my fuel. I would not be moving if it wasn’t for what I want.

TW: No matter what you do, you would always be moving. Change is the only constant. Even if you were a car, you would be changing even if you didn’t physically move. You may rotten and your materials may be recycled to do something else. You may become a beautiful glass and steel building facing the ocean.

MW: What if I instead just wanted to not rotten but just move as the car that I am?

TW: You can want whatever you want, no problem with that. My point was not that you cannot want what you want, but that there is more than wanting. That you change by means other than wanting. That you experience by means other than wanting. My question was not “why wanting” but rather “why only wanting”?

MW: I told you. It’s because is the only force that I know. I am someone’s world not and not the world, like you.

This World hesitates. He is undecided whether to giggle externally or to only keep it for himself. He noticed that My World treats him with much more respect than necessary. He himself is not The World, even though that’s how he looks from the vantage point of My World. From the vantage point of The World, This World is also someone’s world. And that’s true about The World too.

MW: Why are you giggling internally?

TW: Wait. How can you see that?

MW: I don’t know. I just knew it.

TW: Okay. Let’s go back to our main topic. So the fact that you obsess about wanting is part of the reason why I don’t want to tell you the second reason why I don’t want you to love me.

MW: Mh, okay. Seems you are opening up…

TW: A little bit, yes. I want to tell you that wanting scares me.

MW: Why?

TW: Because I feel that wanting is greedy and ungrateful. It doesn’t stop. It doesn’t get satisfied. It chews whatever it encounters for no reason other than chewing it. I feel like if I let you love me, you will chew me away one bit at the time. Until there will be nothing left of me and your want would still be hungry.

MW: Yeah, that does sound like a somewhat realistic picture of what “dominating you” may look like.

TW: So you understand what I mean?

MW: Yeah, I do. But I still want to want. You know, I don’t know anything else. I mean, I know of things. I am aware of them, but they aren’t my moving force.

TW: I can see you are pretty firm on wanting.

Silence takes some space between My World and This World. The two seems to be running out of steam. The night around them is silently observing and ignoring them at the same time. The starry sky flickers with the echoes of their spoken words.

MW: I feel a bit silly.

TW: Why?

MW: You know, the thing with wanting only to want. I feel like I kind of only wanted you to let me want things without patronising me and accept me for who I am.

TW: Okay, so why are you taking it back now?

MW: I am not taking it back. I am just feeling silly.

TW: I see. I think I was projecting and interpreting your words through my assumptions. When I feel silly I usually want to take back something I have done. You just feel silly and that’s it. You are simpler than me, in some way I like that.

MW: Thanks.

TW: There is something I want to talk to you about. Or maybe not talk to you but talk through with you. Do you feel like talking about it?

MW: Yeah. I feel accepted by you know. Even loved a little, so I am all ears.

TW: I want to talk about my struggles with wanting. I already told you that I am scared of it chewing things unstoppably. There’s more. There are these two sentences that I keep thinking about. The first one is “The reason you want to be better, is the reason why you aren’t.” The second is “The fact that I so badly want a purpose is the reason why I don’t have one”.

MW: I guess you believe in those sentences. Why so?

TW: Mmmmmh, it is hard to say. I think is because wanting to be better is trying to dominate who I am and wanting to have a purpose is trying to dominate what I can do.

MW: Okay, and you think wanting to dominate will cause what?

TW: I feel like wanting to dominate will miss the point. It will want to feel like it is dominating and that’s it. It will be careless and unaware. It will miss out on observing interesting things and appreciating beauty. It will not learn whatever is not immediately relevant to dominate. It will be short-sighted and impatient.

MW: Fair enough, that seems reasonable to me.

TW: Oh, interesting that this resonates with you.

MW: I think the problem is not that you don’t like or appreciate wanting, but that you actually give it too much credit and reverence. You may – like me – feel like things can only move through want, so you decide not to move because you are scared of the consequences of moving.

TW: While you decide to not care about the consequences, because you cannot accept that thing don’t move.

MW: Correct.

TW: Interesting.

It is late at night. My World has learnt a lot about This World and vice-versa. This World knows that My World is homeless so since they both know from the beginning, it invites My World in, to sleep on the couch.

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