It’s June 30th 2022 and probably a good time to do a status update within the 100 posts project. It 3pm and I am about to go out and hit the gym. I’ll meet some my wife and some friends there: it is nice to have friends around when working out, it makes me feel as if I am part of a community here.
Premise: bad episodic memory
I haven’t done any status updates here before, so I don’t a clear time frame to provide updates for. I guess I can default to one month, the June that is about to end. I don’t really remember what happened this month. I do have quite a bad episodic memory, which is something that has been troubling me regularly every now and then.
Having a bad episodic memory means that the past falls off a cliff very quickly. I can vividly recall what has happened in the past 4-5 days but beyond that everything gets very blurred very quickly. Things that have happened 2 months ago feel equally distant as things that have happened 2 years ago, without much of a spectrum between them. I have some sparkles of more vivid memories from the past, usually linked to strong emotions or pictures that I have take, but the dominant feeling is one of confusion and overwhelm.
I often think that my poor episodic memory is one of my greatest shortcomings. Reason being the fact that it impedes me to connect the various experiences I lived and thoughts I had. All my thoughts, discoveries and realisations feel like isolated nodes that were super relevant and important in the moment of conception but don’t have much of a relationship with other ideas.
Which brings me to a feeling I have been having more often and more intensely: the desire of organising my beliefs system. I would like to systematise and interconnect my ideas, believes and practices. I know they are connected and I know I can connect them but I haven’t found an enjoyable and effective way to do. Perhaps the key step revolves around starting to create higher level documents that link to my notes and other writings. Going up higher level of abstractions. Perhaps that could also help interconnect different periods of my life and help reduce my frustration towards my bad episodic memory.
Back to status update
Going back to what has happened this June. I feel like I have been doing a lot of improv comedy. We had our show towards the beginning of this month and after that I have been practicing improv 2 or 3 times a week each week. I very much enjoy doing it for a series of reasons. First and foremost, how it makes me feel after. While tiring, it really energises me. Secondly, performing improv feels like training the right-hemisphere (RH) and strengthening my abilities to be instinctual, spontaneous, witty and empathetic. RH capacities linked with knowing implicitly without analytical reasoning and making overall holistic sense of complex and interdependent systems without zooming into the specific details. Improv feels like a way to train those abilities. The feelings are similar to what I feel when working out: strain, focus and concentration during followed by relaxation, flow after it and a sense of improvement, momentum and built up in the upcoming days.
Besides improv, I have been spending about 1/3 of my weekly energies, mental and physical, towards my work at Twitter. However, this month a poignant realisation kicked-in. I am not enjoying my work. The reasons behind it seems structural and solid: I don’t like my work environment, both in terms of working remotely and disconnected from others but also in terms of the working vibe. I don’t resonate with how people interact and what they care about. I deeply enjoy the craft of developing software, but going forward I want to do so in an environment that energises me rather than depress me, even if that will come at the expense of job security and level of pay. I am willing to pay some cost to be in that environment and state. Which means that I need to start mentally preparing for that transition, likely to be one of the main projects ahead of me. I have a lot of concerns and fears to work through in order to take that step properly, but I don’t want to keep putting taking the step because of those fears. I don’t want to live waiting. So much incredible life is waiting for me to embrace. There are some aspects of this transition to prepare for: obtaining my UK citizenship, renewing Chenchen’s UK Visa, seeing what Chenchen ends up doing after her degree, seeing how Twitter changes after its change in ownership and how that can affect the structure of my work. Perhaps there are more preps to do, but the time is finally coming up.
In terms of update, I am quite happy with how my journalling is progressing. I decided to focus on journalling as a way to get the basics right and avoiding drowning in too many different tasks and practices. I am journalling quite continuously and in detail, accumulating lots of notes, reflections and ideas (this post being one of them). Journalling feels like a very good use of my time this period because I tend to have limited time, and perhaps most importantly, limited mental capacity. So journalling is a very easy way to step into a flow of consciousness whenever possible and play with and evolve concepts and experiences. I am craving the step that comes after, which is re-configuring, organising and moving all those concepts, which hasn’t really happened this month (nor in any time so far) but I feel increasingly curious of exploring.
This month I also spent more and more social time with other people, mostly in presence during improv, dinners, hangouts, beers and other activities. I have been feeling more loving kindness, empahty and attention towards others. This was probably influenced by Chenchen’s attitude towards life and by my interest in metta, which I explored briefly mostly through the works of Tasshin.
As this post already reached its target 1000 words, it has also came the time to get going and hit the gym. This status update left me with a sense of acceptance of where I am in the course of my life and sprinkle of trust in knowing where to go next. July is going to be a small deviation from this course, as I am going to spend a lot of time with other people, getting informed and inspired. I think the time fits well, before diving deeper into the upcoming evolution of my journey.
I am noticing that I feel a little urged and unsatisfied with this post. I feel like I have to finish it up in a way that is coherent and clear, but really I haven’t reached any of that clarity and coherence. This is the double-edged nature of constraints: helpful in get us going but annoying when stopping us.