035 – Self-trust

A > What’s up?

Z > Nothing is up. What do you want to know?

A > I want to know what’s present for you?

Z > Good question, let me think about it.

B > Done thinking?

Y > I haven’t even started to be honest I was just mentally wandering in a land of nothingness. Though I can probably answer you question right away without thinking. What’s present for me, you asked. The first thing that comes to mind is that I am tired and I am not sitting comfortably. I wish to sit more comfortably, then maybe I can tell you more.

B > Shall we go find another seat?

Y > Let’s

C > Better?

X > Much better, thank you C. I even found some food here that is boosting my energy a little. So I was talking about what is present for me now. One thing that is present is that I finding this dialogue form quite fun and creative, but probably you weren’t asking about now as in now now, but rather now as in today or in this period. Or maybe I should ask you what you were asking? You that I don’t know who you are, you yes you C, what did you mean by what’s present for me now?

C > I like how you are bouncing back my question and are prompting me to be more specific, tho finding out that you were sitting uncomfortably and changing place was a nice outcome of that first, arguably vague, question. But without further ado, let’s get into more specifics. Let’s talk about what you want. What do you feel like you want?

X > Good question X. One thing that I seem to be frequently occurring for me is sexual desire. I seem to be wanting more sexual interaction. I feel sexually curious and alive. The other day I was just telling Chenchen that “I regret not having had more varied sexual experience before meeting her” which is telling sign that I am still compelled to that as of today. However, it is a tricky situation that gives me some anxiety because I am romantically committed to Chenchen and not planning to have sexual interactions with other people. So one side of this, one way of managing this want, is to have more sexual interactions with her, which are probably coming after this period during which she had her menses, channeling back some of my lively desire in my time with her. Other than that, I don’t really know. I enjoy this feeling of sexual aliveness.

D > Sounds good. My instinct would be to park this for the moment and focus on other things as doesn’t seem to be anything immediate you can do about this want, but before doing that, I wanted to check-in with you on this. How do you feel about parking this for the moment?

W > Sounds good to me. I don’t feel any particular urgency of developing this. I just have a general sense in which I am weary of ignoring and postponing desires that I have because I feel like in the past I have done way too much ignoring of my own needs and repressing and I’d would like to stay away from that, in general. But I also know that it is a balance that one needs to find and it is not always about doing immediately what one wants in the moment out of their instincts. Although I do feel that being a little bit more instinctual could help me.

D > In which way? Sounds like you have a lot to say about this?

W > Yes. I wrote a tweet about this topic a few days ago. It was something like “Bliss is somewhere in between freedom and control, spontaneity and intentionality, is a well-shaped dance between the two. Those who can master this dance are their own heroes“. Here I was interleaving two topics. One the on hand I was hinting at Joseph Campbell’s concept of finding bliss through one’s own hero journey and on the other hand I was relating this with the challenge of striking a balance between being impulsive, instinctual and spontaneous – which relates to my struggle of sometimes feeling out of balance about it.

E > In which way do you feel out of balance about this?

V > Well, the common pattern is that I don’t trust myself enough. When I am impulsive, especially, I am feel scared of doing something inappropriate and breaking social norms and laws. I feel scared of being jailed. I think is a reasonable fear, because I can be pretty obnoxious when impulsive and I really don’t want to have legal problems. But I also don’t trust myself when I am thoughtful. During those moments I feel like I can easily talk myself out of what I would like to do and I end up empty and deprived of aliveness.

E > So perhaps what this dance really need to work out more harmoniously is greater self-trust. Do you feel like you need to develop more self-trust? Is that the key?

V > Perhaps, but one idea that I am having here is that perhaps developing is not the right term here. Trust is more about non-doing that doing, is about not-interfering and not stepping in. So developing self-trust is more about stopping from doing certain things rather than starting from doing certain others. It is about giving myself the space of behaving more instinctually, but taking the responsibility to observe when to step in and hold back to avoid bad consequences. Is about giving myself the chance to be thoughtful without monitoring that I may swallow my desires and hide them in the closet. Does it make sense? Trust is more about letting go of control than it is about developing something. Developing is the wrong because in some sense is creative, but trust is more about destroying control and then acting in a way that doesn’t require that control to be brought back.

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