016 – Lots to celebrate. Fear as alarm clock and seeking a perfectionism-caring partnership.

I feel odd. I have a mix of different feelings that I cannot easily tell apart. I feel both good and bad at the same time. What do I feel good about? I feel good about my current attitude towards being alive. I am happy. I enjoy my days. I support myself to do whatever I feel like doing. I am optimist and can tolerate bad days and bad moments, knowing that better times will come. I regularly have fun. I have fun hanging out with Chen: laughing, chatting and interacting with her physically. I enjoy coding for both Twitter and for leisure: time flies when I code and I feel invested in the things I create. I enjoy meeting others and observing their experience. I feel close to them and I relate. That is a lot of good things and I should probably consider celebrating this goodness more often. I have lot to be grateful for and to celebrate.

So what do I feel bad about? Maybe there isn’t anything specific I feel bad about, but rather something that ins’t there? Perhaps something is missing and I don’t know what it is. Or maybe not. Here are some things I actually feel bad about. I struggle with my shadow. I have some negative thoughts coming in from time to time which I don’t like to have. From experience, I know that fighting thoughts is pointless and I cannot control my mind. The only constructive path is simply accept that such thoughts are there but ignore them. A bit like when someone writes something you dislike on social media but instead of responding in rage or dunking their post, you simply ignore it and move on with your life. “Focus on what you want to see more of” writes Visakan, and I think that is a greatly effective way of counteracting to the presence of negative thoughts of pessimism and fear. “Focus on what you want to see more of” instead of “focusing on what you want to see less of”. Take most actions to fulfil creative desires rather than reassuring fear-based ones. Although in some ways, fears are friends that are there to protect me and remind me what I care about.

But I feel confused. Let’s say I feel scared of not liking something that I like, or I feel scared of not been doing something that is important for me, how does that tell me what I care about? What I care about hides in the source of the fear, not its destination. Investing in avoiding the hypothetical destination of the fear is usually not useful. However, the source of the fear usually reveals a salient important emotion. It’s important for me to cultivate what I like and taking action what is important to me. The fact that I am scared about it doesn’t imply that I am not doing it, but it is nonetheless a useful reminder. Think of it like an alarm clock. You may or may not have woken up by the time the alarm rings. If you are already awake, you simply switch it without much worries. If you are still sleeping, then you are thankful (only in some way) that it helps you waking up.

Is there anything else I feel bad about? Yes, there is. I keep having this feeling that time is slipping through my fingers and that there is something that I want do and I am scared I may not have the time do. I think what I want to do is to do things well and to feel competent. Somewhere in my subconscious I have this concept that I do things haphazardly. I think it was implanted there from my interactions with my parents in my childhood. This is something that comes back regularly and fuels my perfectionism. However, this force is sometimes able to coerce me into doing things very precisely, which another part of me dislikes and regularly rebels to. How can I get these two parts to collaborate? I feel this may be an important noodle of my psychology. These two parts are both powerful in their own terms, but think about how much happier I would be if they collaborated more? Think about what greater flow I would be able to bring to the things that I do. As I am approaching the end of this post, I am feeling like I want to come back to this, soon.

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